Winter Text Exchange (Necromancer)

Winter Text Exchange



Ramon: Where you at? I hope you’re close to home. We have a situation.


Sam: New phone-who dis?


Ramon: So funny.


Sam: Sorry, just last time there was a situation, Frank thought zombies had invaded Best Buy.


Ramon: …?


Sam: It was just Black Friday shoppers. Frank was trying to get a GoPro for the gnomes, and he’d never gone into the fray before.


Ramon: Our little boy is growing up.


Sam: I would be proud, but it meant I also had to go to Best Buy on Black Friday, a thing which I refuse to do. Never again, I say.


Ramon: =(


Sam: I could have been home. With mashed potatoes. James made me my own bowl. It was glorious.


Ramon: Sorry Frank ruined your “moment” with your starch.


Sam: First, don’t demean it by putting it in quotes. It was beautiful and you’re being judgmental. Like I haven’t seen you put away four packs of bacon for a snack.


Ramon: I turn into a bear, Sammy.


Sam: And I raise the dead. We all need our fuel.




Sam: Didn’t you have a situation?


Ramon: It’s about the gnomes.


Sam: Ah, the gnomes—the reason the facepalm emoji is in my favorites. Did they steal the neighbor’s chickens again?


Ramon: No, no. Nothing like that.


Sam: Good.


Ramon: Unrelated question, did our neighbors have a goat?


Sam: Goat, past tense?


Ramon: It’s just, they have one roasting on the spit and I don’t know where they got it.


Sam: the spit or the goat?


Ramon: Either.


Ramon: Sam?


Ramon: Can’t find the facepalm emoji?




Sam: Did the neighbors have a goat?

James: I have concerns about your use of the past tense. Do I owe the neighbors a weregild?


Sam: What the fuck is a weregild?


James: It’s the value placed on stolen property or an injured or slain person. The perpetrator would then have to pay the wounded party an agreed upon sum of money.


Sam: Your vocabulary terrifies me sometimes. No one should just have that word at the ready.


James:  Your vocabulary terrifies me, too, but for a very different reason.


Sam: Yes, I’m a peasant, I know. So do we owe the neighbors a weregild?


James: Was it a pygmy goat?


Sam: I don’t know. Let me ask.




Sam: Regular goat or pygmy goat?


Ramon: It’s a pretty big goat.




Sam: Big goat.


James: Then no. They probably got it off the Internet. Someonegave them unfettered access out of a misplaced desire toward egalitarianism. Despite grave concerns that I put forth, I should add.


Sam: You shouldn’t add. You should keep some things to yourself.  Wait, you can buy goats on the Internet?


James: Sam, you can buy anything on the Internet.




Sam: It’s probably an Internet goat.


Ramon: Cool. That’s not the problem anyway.


Sam: …there’s more? Please say no.


Ramon: The gnomes built a wicker man.


Sam: A wicker man?


Ramon: They said we need it for a bountiful harvest.




Ramon: James has a small garden.




Ramon: I should maybe mention that along with the goat they have several kegs of root beer, mostly empty.


Sam: Drunken gnomes, a goat on a spit, and a wicker man. Happy Holidays from the LaCroix household. Get a picture. That’s going to be my holiday card this year.


Ramon: Can you hit Costco? We’re going to need a flat of fire extinguishers, some burn ointment, and some salmon.


Sam: New phone, who dis?


Ramon: Someone needs to keep an eye on the gnomes to make sure they don’t put someone insidethe wicker man before we set in on fire.


Sam: Do you think they’d do that? Usually their shenanigans are more on the whimsical side of things.


Sam: Don’t think I didn’t see you slipping an order of salmon in there. Bears, man.


Ramon: I’m hungry. Salmon is delicious. Don’t start stereotyping. Not cool, Sammy. 


Sam: Sorry. Back to the gnomes?


Ramon: They’ve been hitting that root beer pretty hard, and they’ve started compiling a list of people they have grudges against. It’s a short list and most of those people live here. So if you don’t want harm to befall any of us or any delivery people…


Sam: Costco on a weekend before the holidays—a zombie horde that doesn’t obey me.


Ramon: At least it’s not the mall.


Sam: Truth.




Sam: I can’t find my Costco card.


James: I took it away after the last trip when you brought home a case of spray cheese and a giant trampoline.


Sam: You’re no fun.


James: Spray cheese isn’t food. Giant trampolines are dangerous. Combined they are monumentally hazardous and tremendously idiotic.


Sam: I didn’t combine them.


James: You didn’t have to—everyone else did it for you. I had to glue one of the enchanted statues back together and use a pressure washer to remove the cheese from the house. Some of it’s still there. NOT. FOOD.




Sam: Fine. I’ll pick you up and you can come with me.


James: You’re paying me overtime and hazard pay. Costco on the weekend? I’d rather be chewed on by rabid weasels. 




Frank: Where did the goat come from? Do we owe someone a weregild?


James: See?


Sam: Just because Frank used it does not make it a common word. You’re corrupting him. Frank, whatever you do, don’t climb into the wicker man.


Frank: The gnomes built a wicker man? Cool! We doneed a bountiful harvest and the guy that delivers the milk has been giving me the stink eye. 


Sam: Frank, no. You’re getting Stockholm syndrome from the gnomes. I’m concerned.


Frank: But the strawberries were so small  last summer and we hardly got any peas.


Sam: Then I will buy you more peas. Leave the milkman alone.


Frank: They’re better fresh.


James: He has a point.


Sam: Then I will take you to the farmer’s market! 


Frank: It’s not the same. James’s are better.


James: Thank you, Frank. I pride myself on my green thumb.


Sam: You pride yourself on everything.




Sam: I’ve changed my mind. Put Frank in the wicker man. 


Ramon: Seems harsh.


Sam: We’ll let him out before the gnomes burn it in effigy.


Ramon: Still seems dangerous.


Sam: I will double your salmon.


Ramon: Deal.


Sam: Bears.


Ramon: Braaaaaainns.


Sam: Now who’s stereotyping?

Lish McBride