Winter Text Exchange (Necromancer)

Winter Text Exchange

 

 

Ramon: Where you at? I hope you’re close to home. We have a situation.

 

Sam: New phone-who dis?

 

Ramon: So funny.

 

Sam: Sorry, just last time there was a situation, Frank thought zombies had invaded Best Buy.

 

Ramon: …?

 

Sam: It was just Black Friday shoppers. Frank was trying to get a GoPro for the gnomes, and he’d never gone into the fray before.

 

Ramon: Our little boy is growing up.

 

Sam: I would be proud, but it meant I also had to go to Best Buy on Black Friday, a thing which I refuse to do. Never again, I say.

 

Ramon: =(

 

Sam: I could have been home. With mashed potatoes. James made me my own bowl. It was glorious.

 

Ramon: Sorry Frank ruined your “moment” with your starch.

 

Sam: First, don’t demean it by putting it in quotes. It was beautiful and you’re being judgmental. Like I haven’t seen you put away four packs of bacon for a snack.

 

Ramon: I turn into a bear, Sammy.

 

Sam: And I raise the dead. We all need our fuel.

 

Ramon: GIVE ME THE BLOOD OF YOUR TUBERS, PEASANTS

 

Sam: Didn’t you have a situation?

 

Ramon: It’s about the gnomes.

 

Sam: Ah, the gnomes—the reason the facepalm emoji is in my favorites. Did they steal the neighbor’s chickens again?

 

Ramon: No, no. Nothing like that.

 

Sam: Good.

 

Ramon: Unrelated question, did our neighbors have a goat?

 

Sam: Goat, past tense?

 

Ramon: It’s just, they have one roasting on the spit and I don’t know where they got it.

 

Sam: the spit or the goat?

 

Ramon: Either.

 

Ramon: Sam?

 

Ramon: Can’t find the facepalm emoji?

 

*

 

Sam: Did the neighbors have a goat?

James: I have concerns about your use of the past tense. Do I owe the neighbors a weregild?

 

Sam: What the fuck is a weregild?

 

James: It’s the value placed on stolen property or an injured or slain person. The perpetrator would then have to pay the wounded party an agreed upon sum of money.

 

Sam: Your vocabulary terrifies me sometimes. No one should just have that word at the ready.

 

James:  Your vocabulary terrifies me, too, but for a very different reason.

 

Sam: Yes, I’m a peasant, I know. So do we owe the neighbors a weregild?

 

James: Was it a pygmy goat?

 

Sam: I don’t know. Let me ask.

 

*

 

Sam: Regular goat or pygmy goat?

 

Ramon: It’s a pretty big goat.

 

*

 

Sam: Big goat.

 

James: Then no. They probably got it off the Internet. Someonegave them unfettered access out of a misplaced desire toward egalitarianism. Despite grave concerns that I put forth, I should add.

 

Sam: You shouldn’t add. You should keep some things to yourself.  Wait, you can buy goats on the Internet?

 

James: Sam, you can buy anything on the Internet.

 

*

 

Sam: It’s probably an Internet goat.

 

Ramon: Cool. That’s not the problem anyway.

 

Sam: …there’s more? Please say no.

 

Ramon: The gnomes built a wicker man.

 

Sam: A wicker man?

 

Ramon: They said we need it for a bountiful harvest.

 

Sam: WE DON’T HAVE CROPS, RAMON.

 

Ramon: James has a small garden.

 

Sam: WE DO NOT NEED A WICKER MAN FOR JAMES’S GARDEN

 

Ramon: I should maybe mention that along with the goat they have several kegs of root beer, mostly empty.

 

Sam: Drunken gnomes, a goat on a spit, and a wicker man. Happy Holidays from the LaCroix household. Get a picture. That’s going to be my holiday card this year.

 

Ramon: Can you hit Costco? We’re going to need a flat of fire extinguishers, some burn ointment, and some salmon.

 

Sam: New phone, who dis?

 

Ramon: Someone needs to keep an eye on the gnomes to make sure they don’t put someone insidethe wicker man before we set in on fire.

 

Sam: Do you think they’d do that? Usually their shenanigans are more on the whimsical side of things.

 

Sam: Don’t think I didn’t see you slipping an order of salmon in there. Bears, man.

 

Ramon: I’m hungry. Salmon is delicious. Don’t start stereotyping. Not cool, Sammy. 

 

Sam: Sorry. Back to the gnomes?

 

Ramon: They’ve been hitting that root beer pretty hard, and they’ve started compiling a list of people they have grudges against. It’s a short list and most of those people live here. So if you don’t want harm to befall any of us or any delivery people…

 

Sam: Costco on a weekend before the holidays—a zombie horde that doesn’t obey me.

 

Ramon: At least it’s not the mall.

 

Sam: Truth.

 

*

 

Sam: I can’t find my Costco card.

 

James: I took it away after the last trip when you brought home a case of spray cheese and a giant trampoline.

 

Sam: You’re no fun.

 

James: Spray cheese isn’t food. Giant trampolines are dangerous. Combined they are monumentally hazardous and tremendously idiotic.

 

Sam: I didn’t combine them.

 

James: You didn’t have to—everyone else did it for you. I had to glue one of the enchanted statues back together and use a pressure washer to remove the cheese from the house. Some of it’s still there. NOT. FOOD.

 

Sam: STILL. DELICIOUS.

 

Sam: Fine. I’ll pick you up and you can come with me.

 

James: You’re paying me overtime and hazard pay. Costco on the weekend? I’d rather be chewed on by rabid weasels. 

 

*

 

Frank: Where did the goat come from? Do we owe someone a weregild?

 

James: See?

 

Sam: Just because Frank used it does not make it a common word. You’re corrupting him. Frank, whatever you do, don’t climb into the wicker man.

 

Frank: The gnomes built a wicker man? Cool! We doneed a bountiful harvest and the guy that delivers the milk has been giving me the stink eye. 

 

Sam: Frank, no. You’re getting Stockholm syndrome from the gnomes. I’m concerned.

 

Frank: But the strawberries were so small  last summer and we hardly got any peas.

 

Sam: Then I will buy you more peas. Leave the milkman alone.

 

Frank: They’re better fresh.

 

James: He has a point.

 

Sam: Then I will take you to the farmer’s market! 

 

Frank: It’s not the same. James’s are better.

 

James: Thank you, Frank. I pride myself on my green thumb.

 

Sam: You pride yourself on everything.

 

*

 

Sam: I’ve changed my mind. Put Frank in the wicker man. 

 

Ramon: Seems harsh.

 

Sam: We’ll let him out before the gnomes burn it in effigy.

 

Ramon: Still seems dangerous.

 

Sam: I will double your salmon.

 

Ramon: Deal.

 

Sam: Bears.

 

Ramon: Braaaaaainns.

 

Sam: Now who’s stereotyping?

Lish McBride