Gnomes Don't Understand Social Distancing (Text Convo)
Gnomes Don’t Understand Social Distancing
Text Conversation
September 5th 1:42 PM Text thread between Sam and Frank:
Frank: The gnomes don’t understand social distancing.
Sam: The gnomes don’t understand most things. How is this a surprise?
Frank: Chuck the Norriser keeps offering to take on the virus with his fists.
Sam: Did you tell him that’s not how it works?
Frank: He seems convinced that it will work for him.
Sam: *facepalm emoji*
Frank: Every time I try to explain, he reminds me that he has “fists of steel.”
Sam: While I applaud your perseverance, does this matter? The gnomes are on lockdown. Chances of exposure—and the possibility of steel fists being needed—are slim.
Frank: Oh, my sweet summer child.
Sam: 1) You sound like Brooke. 2) What does that mean?
Frank: Sorry, Brooke had my phone. But she’s not wrong.
Sam: I’m not going to want to know this, am I? I’m in the basement. Do I need to come out to…where are you?
Frank: That’s up to you. We’re in the front yard.
Frank: The gnomes get up to things in the nighttime. Especially if they’ve been into the root beer. Like last week when they broke into the neighbor’s house, stole an ATV, and went joyriding.
Sam: …what?
Sam: No really, WHAT? How am I just now hearing about this?
Frank: House Rule #46 states, and I quote, “Do not tell Sam about the shenanigans of the gnomes unless it is absolutely necessary.” End quote.
Sam: You don’t need to put quotation marks and say “quote.” That’s like…a double negative or something. Also at least half of the house rules are nonsense.
Frank: Well, I try not to bother you unless the gnomes need an intervention. Like now.
Sam: Hold on, let me rope James in on this.
September 5th 1:47 PM Text thread between Sam and James:
Sam: Frank has some concerns. Sending you screenshots. Where are you?
James: The gnomes enjoy a light B&E on occasion. I’m in the pantry making a grocery list.
Sam: The gnomes are tiny disease vectors.
James: I see. I’ll handle it.
Sam: What does that mean? James? JAMES?
September 5th 1:42 PM Text thread between Sam and Frank:
Frank: Thanks for sending James.
Sam: Do I even want to know what he’s doing?
Frank: He’s in dragon form and he’s chasing the gnomes around. Every time they come within six feet of each other, he blasts them with fire.
Frank: I think this is his version of a teachable moment.
Sam: …
Sam: …
Sam: I’ll get the fire extinguishers.
Frank: Chuck is trying to punch the flames. It’s not going well. I’m getting the hose.
Sam: And the first aid kit.
Frank: That would be for the best.
Sam: I hear other people are bored during lockdown.
September 5th 1:52 PM Text thread between Sam and Ramon:
Ramon: Honey, I’m home.
Ramon: Who had today in the pool?
Sam: If I were you, I’d get back in your car and drive until you find a new life.
Sam: Change your name. Make new friends. Start over in a land that’s not as ridiculous as this one.
Sam: Wait, which pool?
Ramon: The “When is James going to snap and murder the gnomes” pool.
Sam: He isn’t murdering the gnomes. He’s trying to teach them social distancing. It’s a health concern.
Ramon: His teaching methods are brutal and questionable.
Ramon: Are you bringing the fire extinguishers? It’s been dry, and I’m worried about the lawn catching fire.
Ramon: Because the lawn is on fire.
Sam: On my way.
Ramon: The statues are stomping some of it out.
Ramon: I owe Frank an apology. I laughed when I saw him running fire drills with the gnomes, but they clearly learned “stop, drop, and roll.”
Ramon: You may want to hurry. Frank just turned the garden hose on James. James is…not happy.
Sam: On a level of “everyday scowl” to “looking up possible body dumpsites” how not happy is James?
Ramon: Like he’d need to google where to dump bodies. That’s one of his job qualifications. But he’s human again, and he’s holding Frank upside down by his ankle.
Ramon: Didn’t we make a house rule against that?
Sam: The gladiators are on their way with the fire extinguishers. I’ll handle James. Most of the house rules are nonsense, but that one really has been strangely useful.
Sam: As soon as the fire is out, we’re ordering more puzzles and craft kits.
Ramon: And about a vat of chamomile tea.
Sam: I wonder if normal people have to order that stuff in bulk like we do?
Ramon: The fire is out.
Sam: Good. I’m almost there. Everyone’s going to go sit in a corner and think about what they’ve done.
Ramon: We don’t have that many corners.
Sam: Then they will TAKE TURNS AND LIKE IT.
Ramon: I’d like to see you put James in a corner.
Sam: …
Sam: …I’ll make Haley do it. He’ll listen to her.
Ramon: You’re a cruel man. Your sister has mastered the “I’m not mad, I’m just disappointed” lecture.
Sam: She’s going to make all of them cry.
Sam: Is it terrible that I’m looking forward to it…and that I’m considering making some popcorn for the viewing?
Ramon: 2020 has been hard on all of us. Take joy where you can.
Sam: You just want popcorn.
Ramon: Yes, but that doesn’t negate my words of wisdom.
Sam: Haley is twenty minutes out. Do you think we can keep our stern faces on that long?
Ramon: We can if we hide in the kitchen until she gets here.
Sam: Deal.